永生難忘的紫色雞雞 - 成人話題討論

By Hamiltion
at 2020-09-21T21:50
at 2020-09-21T21:50
Table of Contents
這邊跟各位說一個關於紫色雞雞的故事。
小妹我以前曾經有一個短暫交往過兩週的男友,
算是締造了最速分手紀錄。
我們首次上床時,當他脫下褲子,我嚇得差點想拿拖鞋往那邊貢下去,
上帝啊快問我為什麼拿著放大鏡跪在床邊!
這真的是我遇到最細最袖珍的一個,還包莖!
有多細?就是進來後只感覺有東西咻地一下溜進來又咻地一下滑出去,
阻力這種東西直接消失在太平洋的那種細。
而且可能是因為沒阻力不好射出來,
因此首次上床時我整整演了十分鐘的戲,
到最後真的受不了直接抬頭問他老兄說:「欸,還要多久?」
對方還以為我是因為舒服到不行......
(隨便怎樣都好!快點結束這一切!)
至於包莖才是重頭戲,他的包是真的整支包緊緊的那種,
問他他還說:「欸我媽跟我說小時候有割啊」
讓小妹我表面強裝鎮定,心底狂吼:哈囉?請問是把什麼割掉了?蛋蛋皮嗎?!
有割沒割自己看不出來就算了,啊看A片時不覺得怪怪的嗎?!!!!
做的時候真的就是咬咬牙想說算了,至少有套子可以隔絕細菌,
等到完事要去浴室清洗時,我很嚴肅地跟他說包莖很容易藏污納垢,以後最好試試看能不能
翻開。
烙下這句話我就回房間做自己的事不管他,
結果他竟然很聽話地自己在浴室裡嘗試把包皮翻開。
但又因為皮太緊,卡在龜頭那邊縮不回來,
於是他默默地走出浴室,招手叫我去看他已經脹成紫色的雞雞,委屈巴巴地問說怎麼辦。
我沉默地盯著那已經萎縮的小玩意,心中非常崩潰地想著:
「喔F**K,這個要是壞死截雞了,我不就得負責人家一輩子?!」
想到這,馬上火急火燎地載他去醫院掛急診,
結果到了醫院,急診室醫生只是瞄了一眼,
說:「唉呦這OK啦,還有血液在流通,明早負責的醫生來了再來嘿。」
就揮揮手示意我們可以走了。
於是我們付了高昂的急診室掛號費,又帶著紫色雞雞回了家。
結果隔天他自己去醫院,據說醫生稍微剝了一下皮就回歸原位了。
(醫生真的謝謝你,拯救了我的後半生!!)
當晚在載他去急診室的路上,我就開始盤算要怎麼提分手了,
後來找了一個非常蝦的理由,終於讓這個事件圓滿落幕。
(搞得我後來在PTT上看到什麼超爛分手理由,
都會默默地想說:「搞不好人家嫌你細但不敢明說......」)
對不起,雖然這樣很渣,但是我想要性福的餘生(掩面
分手的那天晚上,我一邊月下獨酌一邊想著:
要是男人的尺寸也像女生的胸部一樣一望便知,世界就會更和平吧......。
但是正是因為不行,自從這件事以後,我就成為了堅定地婚前性行為主義者,
並且發誓以後要是有女兒,一定要語重心長地告訴她關於紫色雞雞的故事,
孩子的性教育,不能等。
補一個分手理由:
就他剛好在LINE上跟朋友討論我的事情,
訊息顯示在手機屏幕上被我瞄到一眼,
內容只是一些無傷大雅的事情,但反正就不願意給我看,一被問就刪掉了。
於是我心生一計,直接發揮奧斯卡影后般的演技
坐在地上爆哭(眼淚是打哈欠擠出來的)又爆怒,像個肖婆一樣地痛訴:
「你在背後說我壞話!你走!我不想看到你!!」
把人趕回家後隔天,再火速發個line訊息補刀:
「不好意思,我發現我們不適合」(各種意義上)
經過這件事我才懂了,有時決絕也是一種溫柔(人生體悟再增一筆)
--
小妹我以前曾經有一個短暫交往過兩週的男友,
算是締造了最速分手紀錄。
我們首次上床時,當他脫下褲子,我嚇得差點想拿拖鞋往那邊貢下去,
上帝啊快問我為什麼拿著放大鏡跪在床邊!
這真的是我遇到最細最袖珍的一個,還包莖!
有多細?就是進來後只感覺有東西咻地一下溜進來又咻地一下滑出去,
阻力這種東西直接消失在太平洋的那種細。
而且可能是因為沒阻力不好射出來,
因此首次上床時我整整演了十分鐘的戲,
到最後真的受不了直接抬頭問他老兄說:「欸,還要多久?」
對方還以為我是因為舒服到不行......
(隨便怎樣都好!快點結束這一切!)
至於包莖才是重頭戲,他的包是真的整支包緊緊的那種,
問他他還說:「欸我媽跟我說小時候有割啊」
讓小妹我表面強裝鎮定,心底狂吼:哈囉?請問是把什麼割掉了?蛋蛋皮嗎?!
有割沒割自己看不出來就算了,啊看A片時不覺得怪怪的嗎?!!!!
做的時候真的就是咬咬牙想說算了,至少有套子可以隔絕細菌,
等到完事要去浴室清洗時,我很嚴肅地跟他說包莖很容易藏污納垢,以後最好試試看能不能
翻開。
烙下這句話我就回房間做自己的事不管他,
結果他竟然很聽話地自己在浴室裡嘗試把包皮翻開。
但又因為皮太緊,卡在龜頭那邊縮不回來,
於是他默默地走出浴室,招手叫我去看他已經脹成紫色的雞雞,委屈巴巴地問說怎麼辦。
我沉默地盯著那已經萎縮的小玩意,心中非常崩潰地想著:
「喔F**K,這個要是壞死截雞了,我不就得負責人家一輩子?!」
想到這,馬上火急火燎地載他去醫院掛急診,
結果到了醫院,急診室醫生只是瞄了一眼,
說:「唉呦這OK啦,還有血液在流通,明早負責的醫生來了再來嘿。」
就揮揮手示意我們可以走了。
於是我們付了高昂的急診室掛號費,又帶著紫色雞雞回了家。
結果隔天他自己去醫院,據說醫生稍微剝了一下皮就回歸原位了。
(醫生真的謝謝你,拯救了我的後半生!!)
當晚在載他去急診室的路上,我就開始盤算要怎麼提分手了,
後來找了一個非常蝦的理由,終於讓這個事件圓滿落幕。
(搞得我後來在PTT上看到什麼超爛分手理由,
都會默默地想說:「搞不好人家嫌你細但不敢明說......」)
對不起,雖然這樣很渣,但是我想要性福的餘生(掩面
分手的那天晚上,我一邊月下獨酌一邊想著:
要是男人的尺寸也像女生的胸部一樣一望便知,世界就會更和平吧......。
但是正是因為不行,自從這件事以後,我就成為了堅定地婚前性行為主義者,
並且發誓以後要是有女兒,一定要語重心長地告訴她關於紫色雞雞的故事,
孩子的性教育,不能等。
補一個分手理由:
就他剛好在LINE上跟朋友討論我的事情,
訊息顯示在手機屏幕上被我瞄到一眼,
內容只是一些無傷大雅的事情,但反正就不願意給我看,一被問就刪掉了。
於是我心生一計,直接發揮奧斯卡影后般的演技
坐在地上爆哭(眼淚是打哈欠擠出來的)又爆怒,像個肖婆一樣地痛訴:
「你在背後說我壞話!你走!我不想看到你!!」
把人趕回家後隔天,再火速發個line訊息補刀:
「不好意思,我發現我們不適合」(各種意義上)
經過這件事我才懂了,有時決絕也是一種溫柔(人生體悟再增一筆)
--
Tags:
成人
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By Lily
at 2020-09-21T16:14
at 2020-09-21T16:14