世界就要高潮了 - 成人話題討論

By Yuri
at 2012-08-31T17:13
at 2012-08-31T17:13
Table of Contents
8 歲那年,我通過下忍考試,
為了慶祝,趁家人都不在,
偷開爸爸電腦找出精彩度 S 級的 A 片,
和我最好的朋友宇智波油一起觀賞。
他看得很投入,興奮大吼:「幹妳媽的,幹死妳全家!!!」
聲音實在太大,害我很緊張,一直要他小聲點。
他安靜沒幾秒,又亂吼亂叫:「拿大屌插妳全家!!!」
突然大門口碰一聲,傳來我爸聲音:「誰要幹死我全家?!」
這下死定了,我跟波油(我對他的暱稱)嚇到快閃尿。
褲子還來不及穿上,我爸就已經站在房間裡。
「搞西因啊,你們在衝三小?!」我爸氣到臉都扭曲。
「啊啊啊啊啊!!!!」柏油忽然一聲長嘯。
我爸瞬間呆住,表情茫然,幾秒以後點頭緩緩說:
「你們在為中忍考試做準備喔?真是好孩子,那不打擾你們了。」
這...這怎麼回事?!!
我爸是中邪了嗎???
我轉頭一看,波油瞳孔竟然有一個勾玉在轉動,
幹!!這不是我們宇智波一族的特殊能力寫輪眼嗎?!
想不到波油竟然是在如此緊急的狀態下開眼,
他只比我大了一歲,難道他是傳說中的天才?!
可能突然開眼就使用催眠幻術,體內查克拉瞬間耗盡,
波油眼睛一閉倒了下去。
「休息一下,吃點心囉~」我媽以為我們在用功,端點心進來。
幹幹幹!!!我褲子還是沒穿啊!!!
電腦螢幕上女優也在吃棒棒糖點心,還一口氣舔三根。
「呀!!!你們在做什麼?!」我媽看到電腦畫面和我外露的小鳥大驚。
不要啊~~~~~~!!!!
事情傳出去我怎麼跟班上的小桃告白!?!?
突然之間體內湧出一股力量,
我眼前開始模糊,身子顫抖不已,腦中一直想著不能被媽媽發現......
媽媽的模樣開始旋轉,越轉越快,快到看不清,
我的意識也越來越混沌,眼前一黑昏了過去。
等我醒來,波油在一旁看著我。
「後來怎麼了?」我虛弱的問。
「搞定了,他們以為我們在努力用功。」
「太好了......」
「幹!!!」波油突然激動抓住我。
「小聲一點,媽的都是你亂喊才被我爸發現!」
「我們有寫輪眼了!!」
「啊??我也有了?」
「你不曉得?你媽就是中了你的幻術啊。」
「靠!!!這麼厲害?!我明天就對小桃用,讓她跟我在一起。」
「白痴喔你!」他巴了我的頭。
「打屁喔,小心我用寫輪眼催眠你。」
「欸,怎麼辦,一下子變這麼強,我會空虛耶。」
「我也不想被知道,被知道一定會被安排進暗部。」
「我也不想升太快,被冠上天才的稱號壓力是很大的。」
於是我跟波油約定好要保密,
從那天開始我們關係就更加緊密。
經過不斷秘密鍛鍊,
我們的寫輪眼在 16 歲那年進化到三勾玉狀態。
憑藉著複製眼,完美複製了一堆 A 片裡的奇特體術,
又憑著洞察眼,準確預測女生的敏感帶跟高潮點。
跟我們交手過的女生無一不爽到升天,
但是我們仍舊很低調,做完都會用幻術消除女生記憶。
村裡的人只知道我們是一直考不過中忍的廢渣,
他們不曉得,我們忍辱負重是因為我們要把青春揮灑在床上,
男人的戰場在床上,在公園、在捷運、在摩天輪,
而不是流著鮮血的地方啊!!
那一年的夏天,平靜的忍界騷動起來,
網路上出現一部叫做「親熱天堂‧番外篇」的連載,
作者筆名是「我來也」,
內容竟然是他跟各國公主的性愛日誌!!!
據他所說,還有許多女模都跟他一腿。
這下我來也立刻成為各大忍者村追查的對象,
然而他的身分跟行蹤都是謎,
暗部找不到人,只好到處抓看過親熱天堂的民眾交差,
越來越多人被審問,越來越多人失去自由,
越來越多人被誤會和冤枉,但親熱天堂還是繼續連載。
大名們聚集起來開會,最後決定建構超級網路防火牆,
徹底斷絕親熱天堂流通,並且嚴格管制各種出版、印刷、影印管道。
波油不知道從哪打聽到消息,
最完整的親熱天堂早就在各個忍者村高層之間流通,
每個影桌上都擺了一份完整版。
「幹!!!我好想看完整版!!!」波油大喊。
「媽的,小聲一點啦!!你想被抓去關?」
「關?你不知道暗部現在是我在管?整個木葉只有三個人在管事!」
「好啦,別鬧了,明天晚上約了小桃跟櫻花妹一起玩。」
「櫻花妹真不錯,小桃什麼時候讓我幹?」
「操!你屁眼先讓我開眼就讓你幹。」我揍了波油一拳。
那天晚上,到了約定的時間波油沒出現,
我有股不好的預感,順著直覺去南賀神社秘密基地,
果然在那邊找到波油。
他已經奄奄一息,右眼被挖空,手筋被挑斷,
胯下也中了好幾個苦無,血流如柱。
「我......潛入火影辦公室......想看親熱天堂。」波油斷斷續續虛弱的說。
「你先別說話啊!!!」我急著幫他止血。
「我......活不成了。眼睛......給你。親熱天堂......名單......」
「住口!!!」我已經流下眼淚。
「名單.....在石碑......」他指著神社,呼吸停住。
遠處傳來腳步聲,暗部的人應該追上了,
我急忙取下波油的眼睛,立刻離開現場。
那一天晚上,我開啟了萬花筒寫輪眼。
等風頭過了,我悄悄回到南賀神社,依照波油的話仔細端詳石碑,
然而看不出所以然,突然我靈光一閃,左眼裝上波油的眼睛,
開啟寫輪眼模式,果然在石碑上看到了親熱天堂裡頭提到的所有女生名單。
宇智波油啊!!!
你這白痴!!!
有時間寫這些,怎麼不趕快躲起來求救?!?!
我一時激動,啟動萬花筒寫輪眼模式,
意外看到石碑上關於宇智波一族的祕密。
於是我經過仔細思考,終於下定決心要給這些可惡的傢伙懲罰。
我叛逃村子,成為一個逃忍,創立了秘密組織「洨」,
經過多年的努力,終於招喚出外道魔像,吸收了所有尾獸召喚出十尾。
我用尾獸的查克拉製造出 2,718,281,828,459 部 A 片,
即將投射到月亮,施放無限月讀!!!
偽善的人,
虛偽的人,
世界就要高潮了,
你們等著高潮到死吧!!!!
--
Tags:
成人
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