第一次看泌尿科--結紮心得(熱騰騰) - 成人話題討論

By Eden
at 2017-08-31T21:39
at 2017-08-31T21:39
Table of Contents
長那麼大第一次去看泌尿科。
醫生問我有什麼問題嗎?
「下面三十公分,它完全充血的時候,我的腦袋會貧血,會暈!醫生救我!」
唷,當然不是。
我:「我想要結紮。」
醫生:「你看起來很年輕耶,結婚多久了,小孩幾個了?」
我:「我27歲結婚,小孩兩個了。」
接著我開始問醫生一些問題,醫生跟我說男性結紮的手術風險很低,術後也不容易有後遺
症,跟性有關的部份都不會有影響,術前術後唯一的差別只在排出的體液沒有精蟲而已。
其實這些我之前上網作功課都有了解,只是透過醫生講出來會更放心一點。
「醫生,聽說術前打麻醉針,是針頭直接戳進睪丸,對嗎?」
醫生:「不是戳睪丸,是戳陰囊的皮下,然後旁邊開兩個洞,接著把輸精管拉出來,此時
會有些拉扯的疼痛感......」
後面他在講什麼我都沒注意聽了,因為我的腦筋一片空白,我開始有點後悔了...
醫生幫我排好結紮日期,老婆,我結紮完換妳出錢讓我去住月子中心嚕。
避孕的方式那麼多,為什麼要選擇結紮?依我跟老婆的個性,如果不小
心有了第三胎,我們一定捨不得拿掉,就算心力交瘁、就算口袋沒錢,我
們也一定會把他生下來,畢竟這是生命,也是緣分。不過依我目前的狀況
,我真的覺得兩個已經夠了,我們已經很滿足了,我跟老婆都不想要再
有第三胎,所以最直接、最保險、最完美的避孕方式就是結紮了。
結紮的時間排在下午一點半,結紮時怕護士幫我剃毛會覺得臭,出門前我
還特地去洗澡,沐浴乳擠一大陀在跨下,努力的搓,所有的皮都翻起來洗
得香噴噴。開刀前注意事項不能戴錶戴戒指、不能塗指甲油、化妝,還好
我一直都素顏所以沒差。
我是在台北長庚醫院開刀,先去老婆公司接她,一上車完全就是幸災樂禍
的嘴臉,好久沒看她笑得如此開心了,好想車門打開一腳把她踹出去。停
好車去附近的1885吃漢堡壓壓驚,吃完就去八樓的開刀房報到,護士小姐
說還沒那麼快輪到我,老婆就提議先去一樓按摩,這女的真的很會。
按摩完沒多久,護士打電話來叫我上去換手術衣,搭電梯上八樓的途中,
老婆一直問我會不會怕?我跟她說我是硬漢,是在怕三小!嘴巴這麼講
,腸胃卻因為太過緊張,蠕動有點太快,讓我有點想拉屎!
跟手術站的護士核對資料,老婆一直跟護士在那邊聊得笑呵呵,還問能
不能進手術室參觀、直播,腦袋有洞是不是,腦科在四樓啦,慢走不送!
換完手術衣,坐在那邊等沒多就叫到我的名字。一位護士推著輪椅要我坐
上去,我跟她說我的雙腳可以走,護士小姐說他們這邊規定要開刀的人要
坐輪椅進手術室,我想可能是怕病人會臨時烙跑吧!護士就推著我往手術
室去,那走廊有點長有點陰森,跟奈何橋有87分像。
進去手術室,裡面人很多,沒想到大家初次見面我就要露屌給你們看,有
點不好意思。護士要我躺在手術床上,幫我蓋好被子,醫生護士就先跟我
小聊一下,跟我看的A片很像,扒光對方衣服前要先聊天緩和情緒。醫生
說要先刮毛,要我把褲子退到膝蓋,我本來很怕刮毛的時候不小心勃起會
很尷尬,可是我的煩惱簡直多餘。內心緊張惶恐加上手術室冷氣很冷,小
鳥露出來的瞬間,我有感受到牠縮成一團,就好像薑絲大腸的豬大腸一樣
。我本來很想跟大家說牠平常其實不只如此而已,可是想想這種解釋有點
多餘。
本來以為刮毛的是護士,沒想到抓著我懶叫的竟然是男醫生,他很熟練迅
速的刮著我的毛,讓我想起當兵新訓時幫我剃三分頭的髮婆。刮完之後醫
生拿著貼布幫我黏那些掉落的毛髮,接著用碘酒幫我把懶趴塗好塗滿,好
像烤雞要進烤箱前,先用醬料醃過上色一樣。
重頭戲來了,要打麻醉藥了,醫生說有點像下面被踹一腳有點「蛋蛋的哀
傷」,我想說高中時常常被阿魯巴,不管阿柱子、阿門、垃圾桶蓋在跨下
旋轉,甚至被倒立抬起阿班級牌,這些大風大浪我都經歷過,應該撐得住
。但是針頭戳下去的瞬間我還是忍不住叫了出來,幹,這根本不是踢一下
,是直接針頭戳懶趴皮阿!元宵節猜燈謎:內褲藏針猜兩個字?答案就是
「睹懶」啊!真他媽痛,那些說不痛的趕快拿針戳自己懶趴皮!打完麻醉
針之後馬上在懶趴開一個洞,這個最痛!我簡直用十倍的界王拳在吞忍!
後面把輸精管拉出來幹麻的那個就無感了,算是中場休息啦!
處理完之後,我鬆了一口氣跟醫生說謝謝,醫生說剛剛處理右邊,你左邊
還沒弄耶!我的鼻孔瞬間撐大:「還要再一次唷!」醫生:「喂,先生,
你應該有兩顆睪丸對吧!當然兩邊都要用阿,而且,左邊的會比較痛唷」
我聽完的瞬間臉色整個灰掉,比灰姑娘還灰!兩邊弄完之後想說結束了,
醫生說傷口要止血之類的(沒有聽很清楚),這個最痛,好像有人拿著菸頭
持續的燙你的懶趴皮!我回家上維基百科看,這個步驟應該是縫合、燒灼
(電燒)。以疼痛排行來看,我會把最後的燒灼排第一,懶趴皮戳洞排第
二,打麻醉針排第三,我前面說了手術室超冷,可是整個手術下來我滿身
汗,腋下都濕了。我問醫師護士有人在手術過程哭出來嗎?(因為我有點
想哭)他們呵呵笑說,是有叫很大聲的啦,哭倒是沒有。
確定整個手術都結束了,我跟大家說謝謝,台灣的醫護人員真的很辛苦也
很優秀,今天幫我作手術的醫生跟在旁幫我量血壓的護士,年紀都比我小
,果真是英雄出少年。把褲子穿上,跟大家道謝完之後,我又坐在輪椅上
被護士推了出去,有一種如釋重負的感覺。換好衣服走出手術室,老婆看
到我又是一陣哈哈笑。把裡面手術的過程講給她聽,她竟然笑到並匭,一
點同理心也沒有。可是經過這個手術我真的覺得老婆太偉大了,我只是個
小手術就痛到機機叫,我老婆可是幫我生了兩個小孩,那過程不就更艱辛
。老婆,辛苦妳了,再給我重新選擇,我一樣會來台北長庚作結紮手術,
因為我要跟我老婆保證,妳以後不用再辛苦了,妳不會再懷第三胎了,歷
經兩次生產過程,妳辛苦了,這次就換我吧!
大家最關心的手術費用:6667元 (團體報名結紮也是這個費用不會比較便宜)
結紮之後輸精管還是可以再接回去,不過受孕的機率就會很低,所以要結
紮前請三思。後續要再回醫院檢查,到時候再跟大家分享吧!感謝收看。
by 永遠的黃小偉~☆
======================================================
結紮首部曲:結紮手術過程
https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/sex/M.1504186806.A.FE9.html
結紮二部曲:術後一個禮拜傷口照顧
https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/sex/M.1504855819.A.714.html
結紮三部曲:術後三個月精蟲檢查
https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/sex/M.1515141034.A.D03.html
======================================================
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